


The Many Frustrations of Titanic Sinclair

by dw_fwedewick_heweiden, orphan_account



Category: That Poppy (Musician) RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Attempted Murder, Crack, Dark Crack, Death, F/M, Hangover, Murder, Probably offensive, Some Swearing, We're sorry, cat allergies, drunk!titanic, larry is the only redeemable character, lots of attempts, nothing is too detailed or serious, obsessive fans, titanic finally snapped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 01:19:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18378005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dw_fwedewick_heweiden/pseuds/dw_fwedewick_heweiden, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Titanic finally snaps.





	The Many Frustrations of Titanic Sinclair

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: We do not hate Poppy or Titanic Sinclair. This fic is purely a joke. We don't wish any ill will towards anyone we write about, and we don't actually want them to get hurt.  
> (On the offchance Poppy and Titanic see this, we're sorry. Please don't sue us.)
> 
> There are some triggering themes here, please read the tags before so you know what you'll see!

One day, Titanic Sinclair gets drunk.

This is not uncommon. He is drunk more often than not. However, tonight, he has one too many shots. Either that, or he just...snaps. Either way, today is the day he finally breaks.

He’s sitting on the couch in his small apartment, extremely drunk, contemplating life. His girlfriend, Poppy, is asleep in their room. He ponders this for a moment. Then, in all his drunken stupor, the idea hits him.

_I should kill Poppy._

The more he thinks about it, the more fond he grows of the idea. Why is he dating that bitch anyways? (He knows the truth, but he’d never admit to himself that it’s all because she reminds him of his ex). 

He can take all the money she’s earned from her YouTube channel and music. And if she is gone, he won’t have to see Brittany every time he looks at her face. Maybe then he can make original content, and will never risk getting sued again. And dead people don’t testify. 

All in all, it is a fantastic idea. Nothing can possibly go wrong.

**ATTEMPT 1: SUFFOCATION**

It’d be simple enough to suffocate her, he decides. He could drug her with sleeping pills, and then shove a pillow over her face while she sleeps. Then he realizes she’s already asleep, so he doesn’t even need to drug her. He can go into the bedroom and sit on her face, and it’ll all be done in five minutes. It’ll go swimmingly. He’s a genius. 

However, when he makes his way down to Poppy’s room, she is sitting up in her bed, petting her hairless cat.

 _This might be more difficult than I thought_ , he thinks to himself, quietly shutting the door again.

**ATTEMPT 2: TOASTER**

Titanic stands in the hall for a moment, thinking. Then he gets an idea. He could look around the kitchen. There are lots of things you can kill someone with in a kitchen. Like the freezer. And plastic straws. And spoons.

As he makes his way into the kitchen, he notices the toaster. An idea sparks, and he grabs it and makes his way to the bathroom. He’ll throw a toaster at her while she’s in the bath. That will definitely work. 

Once in the bathroom, he plugs in the toaster, before going to get Poppy’s cat. He enters Poppy’s room. “Hey, can I borrow your cat?”

She looks at him, puzzled. “I...guess?” she answers, and passes him the cat.

Taking the cat, he puts it in the bathtub, and then starts running it. The cat looks at him with the ultimate look of disdain, which he ignores.

Once the shower is running, he puts the cat under the water. The cat practically screeches, jumping out of the tub and digging its claws into Titanic’s leg. He hears Poppy coming down the hall and quickly throws it back in, cursing under his breath.

Poppy opens the door. “What’s going on?”

“I’m giving your cat a bath,” he replies. “Why don’t you help?”

“Alright,” she says, and steps into the bathtub. _Now’s my chance!_ thinks Titanic, grabbing the toaster. In his haste, he accidentally unplugs it without realizing. He throws it into the bathtub.

The cat jumps out of the tub, hissing at Titanic before he runs out of the room, dripping wet. Poppy steps out as well, a look of shock on her face. “Why did you throw a toaster at me?”

Titanic is too busy licking his cat scratches to reply. (Not literally.)

“Seriously, what the hell?” 

A moment of silence.

When it dawns on Poppy that she’s not getting any response from her boyfriend, she quietly exits the room.

**ATTEMPT 3: POISON**

Titanic stands there for a moment, his leg still bleeding from the cat scratches, still slightly wet from the shower. He has to come up with a good plan this time, one that can’t possibly fall through. 

_How do you kill someone?_ He considers this for a minute. You could suffocate them, but he’d already tried that. You could stab them, but that seemed messy. Or maybe poison would work.

He thinks about poison. He remembers something he read on the internet one time: Cyanide smells like almonds. He knows they have almond cookies in the kitchen. 

He grins deviously, remembering that they have cyanide in the basement. ‘In case of emergency,’ Poppy said. ‘If we ever need to leave, and quick.’

Well, this was certainly an emergency.

He gets the cyanide and sprinkles it over the cookies, then sets a few cookies on a plate. He carries it to Poppy’s room. She’s sitting on her bed.

“Hey, babe?” he says softly.

No answer. He guesses she’s still pissed about the toaster thing.

“I’m sorry about the toaster thing. You want some cookies?”

Still no answer.

Maybe she just didn’t hear him. “Want some cookies?” he repeats, a little louder this time.

She finally looks at him. “What kind are they?”

“Almond.”

She hesitates. “...okay.”

He hands her the plate of cookies, trying hard not to smile. It’s working. 

She takes one and eats it. Nothing happens.

Titanic’s smile falters. “Uh...want another one?”

She shakes her head no. “This one’s good, thanks.”

Defeated, Titanic just nods. Pushing it further would hinder his progress.

He does, however, leave the plate of cookies in the room. Maybe she’ll eat them all later.

**ATTEMPT 4: TOY YODA**

Titanic is getting a little desperate. For one, he’s out of cyanide. For another, he doesn’t know what to do.

Fortunately, he stumbles across a small metal toy Yoda.  
Literally. He falls over it.

He doesn’t know why there is a small metal toy Yoda on the floor, but he supposes it’s lucky there is. Because that’s when yet another idea dawns on him. 

Anything can be a weapon, if fired at a high enough velocity. He figures the small metal toy yoda will do just fine. 

He grabs it and sets off for Poppy’s room, ready to test his theory.

Poppy is laying down, seemingly asleep.

He stands over her, getting ready to throw the Yoda at her face. 

She opens her eyes. “What in the name of-?”

He backs up a bit, hiding the Yoda behind his back. “N-nothing, babe.”

Titanic barely notices a rustling behind him. He doesn’t notice, that is, until that demonic hellspawn Poppy calls her precious cat jumps on his shoulder from on top of the wardrobe and starts attacking him. The cat hasn’t forgotten about the shower incident, and he wants his revenge.

Titanic screams “oh fuck” and drops the Yoda toy, running out of the room. 

**ATTEMPT 5: POISONED LIPSTICK**

Since nothing he’s tried so far has worked, a very disgruntled Titanic decides to go to the corner store and pick up some lipstick, to poison it.

He stands in front of the lipstick selection. He actually doesn’t know what color Poppy normally uses, and it’s not like he can ask. “Why are there so many choices?” he mutters. 

Finally, he picks out a nice pinkish color. This should do nicely, he thinks to himself.

The guy behind the counter does not look impressed that a clearly drunk man is buying lipstick at three in the morning, but he doesn’t say anything. Titanic pays and leaves.

When he gets back home, he quietly moves through the house, so as to not attract the attention of the hellspawn. He opens Poppy’s door again. “Hey babe.”

She’s asleep. 

God damn it.

Titanic has to wake her up. He is not waiting until tomorrow to kill the bitch. It’s taken too long already. So he goes to the bathroom, and grabs a cup, filling it with cold water. He then goes back to Poppy and throws it at her from outside the room, not only getting it all over her but getting it all over the blankets as well. He ducks out of sight afterwards.

Poppy wakes up, sputtering. “What the-”

Titanic strides in. “Oh hey babe! Now that you’re awake, I have something for you.” He holds up the lipstick. 

She looks at him strangely. “Alright?...”

He holds it out, trying to hand it to her. “Can you put it on?”

“...It’s the middle of the night.”

“Please?”

“No.” She gets up. “I’m sleeping on the couch. This thing is soaked.”

“But…”

She leaves the room.

**ATTEMPT 6: A Fan Gives Poppy A Cat**

An idea springs to mind. Titanic knows one of Poppy’s fans. 

He also knows of Poppy’s severe cat allergy, which is the reason she only has hairless cats. But the fans don’t know that.

So he calls the fan. It’s 3:30 AM, but Titanic knows that this particular fan loves Poppy so much, he’d be thrilled to interact with her or Titanic at any time. The fan is named Toby, and he lives about ten minutes away.

“Hey, could you come over? I need a cat. With fur.”

“Sure thing!” Toby replies, practically shouting through the phone. “I can bring my cat!”

“Thanks,” says Titanic, right before he hangs up. He grins.

Ten minutes later, someone knocks on the door. It’s Toby, and he’s holding his cat, a big, fluffy gray one named Larry. Titanic lets him in. “Poppy’s in the living room.”

Toby walks quickly into the living room, overjoyed. Poppy’s on the couch, trying to fall asleep. Upon seeing her, Toby drops the cat and runs over.

“POPPYYYYYY,” Toby screams, hugging her. “I LOVE YOUUUUU”

Poppy makes a strange noise and does not seem to notice. Her eyes have locked with Larry, who looks quite proud of himself.

“YOUREMYIDOLILOVEYOUSOSOMUCHCANIHAVEYOURAUTOGRAPH-” Toby begins to cry with joy, still hugging her. 

Larry sits down on the coffee table and starts licking his back left foot. 

Poppy is in shock, and says nothing for a second, giving Larry the time to jump up on her. She sneezes. “I mean- I guess you can-”

Larry rubs himself onto her with a smug grin that says that he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing. She sneezes again. The cat sits on her.

Toby is practically hysterical. “This is the best day of my life,” he sobs. “I love you so much Poppy”

Poppy makes a choking sound and drops unconscious.

_One long motherfuckin hour later_

Toby is sobbing. Titanic can’t quite make out what exactly he’s trying to say, but it seemed to be something along the lines of “Oh my fucking god is she dead.” 

Larry sits on the couch, his tail flicking. He looks pleased with himself. As he should.

A somber-looking doctor comes out, holding a clipboard. “Sir...we have bad news…”

Titanic is laughing his drunk ass off. Whereas Toby is so distraught he’s crying, Titanic is almost crying with laughter. He manages to pull himself together enough to choke out, “Yes, doc?” before falling back into shambles. 

The doctor looks at him strangely. “Your girlfriend is dead, and this is what you do?”

Titanic doesn’t respond. He can’t. He’s laughing too hard.

Toby, on the other hand, looks like he might throw up. He’s also still sobbing, but at least his head isn’t in his hands anymore.

Larry looks even prouder. Are his eyes glowing? His eyes are definitely glowing.Not that anyone is composed enough to notice, though.

The doctor sighs. “We’ll arrange some things. Sir, I think you should go home to grieve. Random child in the waiting room,” here a still sobbing Toby looks slightly insulted, “you go home too, and take your cat. I don’t even know how that got here.”

Larry cat-grins.

The next morning, Titanic wakes up alone in the apartment, with a killer hangover. He smiles to himself as he remembers the events of the previous night.

However, he doesn’t have time to dwell on this, because his hangover decides to be quite the dick to him, and he almost instantly groans as the headache hits him like a tractor trailer.

**Author's Note:**

> This is unedited, so feel free to point out any errors.  
> Also, Larry/Baal is an OC of ours, in case anyone was wondering


End file.
